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Love and Academia
20 entries back

Date:2009-02-02 23:08
Subject:How do you do it?
Mood: confused

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now, and have been good friends for a bit longer than that. We are talking very seriously about marriage right now, and are looking at getting engaged in a few months. We also want to get married in the summer between our undergrad and Grad school. The biggest conflict right now is managing to not be across the country from each other, as that is not how we want to spend the early part of our marriage.
He is applying to schools for Higher Education and Student Affairs, and I will be applying for Library Science. Clearly the schools that are on the top of my list, are not on the top of his list. We are trying to at least end up in the same state, but it's hard.

What do I do????

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Date:2009-02-02 20:58
Subject:To pursue or not to pursue?
Mood: depressed

 Hello all!

Like many, last year I was given the choice of going to graduate school  in the Midwest (with an assistantship and a scholarship) for my MPA, or staying on the West Coast with my fiance. I chose graduate school, and had been regretting it for quite some time, especially since he called during my exam week to tell me that he had gotten engaged again after dating another girl for two months.  
I was dating around at the time anyway, despite a heavy workload alongside my assistantship. The guys I dated (all graduate or law students) were awful. The two worst was a guy who told me that he had a girlfriend in his hometown, but wanted to have a strictly physical relationship with me (I told him to %$#@ off and never call me again) and another guy who said I made him feel 'uncomfortable', then took to stalking me. 

At any rate, I'm starting over new this term, and have faced it as the lone Single Young Girl in my program (most of the people in my program are married or engaged, and to be perfectly honest, they are extremely obnoxious about it. I'm in a part of the US where everyone is hitched by the age of 23). That being said, I met a very nice young man who is also a graduate student. That being said, I'm currently going at snail's pace with him; I've dealt with too many crazies over the past year, and I keep thinking that he's got a girlfriend (which doesn't seem likely at all) or that he secretly has a child or a record of jail time or a drug addiction or is just going to sit outside my window watching me. I'm very paranoid over the men that this town has to offer here.  

I'm scared of going forward with this guy; I'm busy as a grant writer and a full time graduate student with practicum hours, and he's busy with finishing his thesis and volunteering as a coach. But whenever we've talked on the phone it's been for an hour, we text all the time, and we had a great couple of dates (he had to cancel tonight because he wanted to work on his thesis, which is why I'm writing now). I do like this guy terribly, but I've been so badly hurt and rejected over the last year. I feel like most guys in the various graduate departments are out to hurt me or use me, and I'm envious that most of the girls in my program always seem to find guys to completely smother them in love and affection. Should I take a chance with this guy? 

**UPDATE; 7: 23 PM CST** 

He sent me a long message today, and said he doesn't have the time to pursue a relationship, and that he's sorry if he confused me, and that he likes my friendship but he needs to focus on his thesis and coaching right now if he wants to graduate. Which I guess means he flat out doesn't like me. And the guy who stalked me ran into me today to gush about his new, LDR girlfriend. 

Back to square one for me : * (. Maybe it's because I'm tall and have short hair? I don't know. But I have horrible luck with guys this year. I seem to be a piece of A and nothing else. 

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Date:2009-01-22 19:33
Mood: sad

Hello all. I'm a first time poster here. I'm an undergraduate in Aquatic Biology & Fisheries and recently broke up with my boyfriend not to long ago. Since then I have found it harder to work on my studies. Also he is in my biology class and he's always there and even though I try to sit away from him he always sits close. I just want to know if there were some ways to cope and to put focus back to my studies? Or if anyone has been there because this is a first for me.

Thank you.

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Date:2009-01-15 20:21
Subject:Bring your Boyfrienf Abroad/Visas/Egads!

Hello! I'm currently and anthropology and art history major working on getting my grad school applications and such together. Let me just state that my interests are medieval and nordic studies. This leaves me extremely limited in options to study in the US. However, I believe I have found my academic love in Scotland for graduate school!

My dilemma? Immigration and work laws. My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and have no interest in being far apart for long periods of time. If I was to get a TM in the UK in a year, that is fine, but we don't want to be apart for 5-8 years while I work on my MA and PhD. He is being a doll and is willing to go where ever I go, no matter what. However, I am not willing to take him somewhere where it will be impossible to get him a job.

We both are the same age and will be graduating at the same time. He'll be entering the job market (Computer Forensics) and I will continue on for more schooling. However, getting a job in the UK without prior experience as a foreigner, from what I have read, is near impossible. I am also aware that the laws have changed in the past 6 months so that it is even more difficult! I am trying to get proper information from the embassy in the states, but I would like some advice from you fine people in the mean time. :)

Does anyone have any experience with bring your significant other with you abroad and finding them a job right out of college? I have read it might be easier if we were married, but we wanted to hold that off until I get my MA and we've saved up some more money (we both have huge families, no small wedding for us...ugh). What advice would you give on this matter? I am willing to stay in the states, I'd just rather go where the best program for my interests are.

Thanks a million!

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Date:2009-01-13 11:35

This is somewhat related to the previous post, but it's a bit different.

Do any of you commute a long way to school in order to live with, or closer to, your mate?

How long would you be willing to commute in order to live with your mate?

Read more...Collapse )

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Date:2008-10-20 20:40
Subject:grad school vs. starting a relationship

Hi guys,
I've been reading this blog for a while and now I decided to ask you for advice. Sorry for my bad English  - I am an international student :)
I've been a Masters' student in North America for quite a while, have never dated and till recently felt perfectly well on my own. Now I am accepted to a Ph.D. program, but in the same time  realize that it is time to search for a significant other. However, when I look at female profs in my dep't, who are mostly single, or my fellow students, all of whom started dating their loved ones before entering grad school, I grow frustrated. Now I ask myself: is it at all possible to start and develop a serious relationship while pursiung graduate degree? What was your experience and how did you manage to balance it with the grad school stress?
Thanks a lot in advance!
X-posted to grad school

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Date:2008-10-20 15:57
Subject:Sudden Long-Distance Move/ Two-Body problem

I am throwing myself upon the altar of community wisdom! I hope someone can help.

After having lived together for a year, bought a house, all those good (and responsibility-heavy) things. my SO and I are going to be moving apart. Not because we're breaking up or anything, but because he got a great job offer in another city with only a month's notice. I will be here in my city (about 300 miles away) for at least another year, given job search constraints, and the need to prepare the house for sale, etc.

There's so much to do in the next month that I don't even know where to start, and I'm sure I've only thought of half of it.

Does anyone have any tips, words of wisdom, or cheap jokes to share with me from their own experiences with this? Other than "Remember to actually SIGN the letter of offer and return it; Pack some clothes; Kiss partner goodbye"...

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Date:2008-10-16 01:01
Subject:Newlywed student

Hi everyone. I'm new to the community. Little background...I'm currently an undergrad studying biology and anthropology. I want to continue on to graduate school to study the origins and evolution of New World primates (paleoanthropology).

The reason for my post is that I wanted to know if anyone else here is married and going to graduate school (or applying). If so, how has it affected your decisions about what schools to apply to, what to study, etc.? I'm going through a mental struggle lately because I recently got married (just over a year ago). My husband finished his undergrad just before we got married and started a local business. I found a school 10 hours away where there is a professor doing research in exactly the area I'm interested in, and the school has a really good reputation. I just don't know how it would work logistically. I feel like I might be acting selfishly to be such an inconvenience to my husband and his work (which pays for my schooling right now). I've looked at schools closer to home, but none are doing the kind of research I'm interested in.

So, I'm just looking for some different perspective/advice on the matter or to hear from someone who's had a similar experience. Thanks :)


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Date:2008-09-17 15:42
Subject:Married couples in the classroom?

I'm curious about this, because a situation came up, and I wondered about people's opinions.

If one half of a married couple is teaching a class, and the other half of the couple is IN the class, but for auditing purposes only, would you consider it appropriate?

(I ask because, while I'm an undergrad, a friend of mine had this situation come up, and while the university was okay with it, I wanted other opinions too.)


Cross-posted to a_a.

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Date:2008-08-30 15:05
Subject:How to bring up the bad stuff

Has anyone else ever had a bad relationship melt-down and found the right way to talk about it with the new person/people they are seeing?

Recently (crossing fingers against the jinx), I've started to feel pretty good about myself. I have a new lab job, I have a few fresh new chapters of my thesis in the bag, I've picked up some new hobbies...and I am starting to date again. However, as necessary as I know the dating thing is (I mean, I don't want to end up solo forever, though it hasn't hurt me this past year)...it is causing some anxiety in my life.

For some background, It's been a year since the break up with my dreaded ex. It's also been 5 months since that dreaded ex sent me an awkward 'let's be friends' email. It's also been about 3.5 months since the real intentions of that awkward 'let's be friends' email became fully revealed as the Great Scam of the Century (a synopsis)Collapse )

So, the legal agreement was signed about a month ago. I've never felt better in my entire life to have my dreaded ex thing = solved.


I'm definitely having some residual trust issues with guys I meet that just happen to be scientists (which was his field). Having happen to be a scientist myself, I am aware that most science grad students/workers tend to be a little on the socially inept. But these days, I see one ineptitude and am pretty much seeing my ex all over again which pretty much kills it for me. I'm worried that I'm treating perfectly reasonable people with too much mistrust.

I've thought about counseling, but I just started my lab job, and my health benefits aren't exactly top notch till my trial 6-months is up. What I think would really help is if I talked about this past relationship disastor with the guys I'm seeing. However, I have no clue how to do this. Typically, I'm just too lighthearted to go into the dark stuff (which is what I noticed that people like about me).

I know everyone has skeletons-in-the-closet...but how does one find the right way/time to talk about it?

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Date:2008-07-24 10:26
Subject:Male participants needed for Internet dating research

Dear all,

I'm a 3rd year DPsych student from Victoria University, Australia.

I would like to invite you (if male and above 18) to participate in an online research on male body image and internet dating. (If you are female, please pass this on to your male friends.)

An Internet Study: The relationships between men's self-reported physical attributes, body image, self-esteem and internet dating.

There has been quite a lot of research conducted on women's body image and we have a reasonable understanding of the types of factors that impact on women's body image and that ultimately lead to disorders like Anorexia and Bulimia Nervosa. However, we know very little about men's body image and the factors that impinge on the way males think about their bodies. Consequently we also know very little about how this impacts on men's health.

Do you want to do something about it?

If so, you are invited to take part in a research project that will focus exclusively on men's body image. Previous research has highlighted the impact of men's physical attributes on body image and how men perceive their own body. The purpose of this study is to further explore the relationship between physical qualities of men, their body image and self-esteem, using an Internet sample.

All men above the age of 18, who have at least basic literacy in English, are invited to participate in this study. If possible, please have a tape measure ready.

The questionnaire consists of 62 mostly multiple-choice questions and should take approximately 15 minutes to complete. Your responses will remain anonymous and no identifying information will be collected. You are free to withdraw from this study at any time.

If you understand the information stated above and would like to participate in this study, please click on the link below:


Thank you in advance for your time and input.

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Date:2008-07-21 07:35

Hi everyone,
It's weird to find a livejournal community like this. I knew I wasn't the only one who seemed to lose my life as I work full time and take classes at night toward my educational doctorate in reading, language, and literature, but I didn't realize other people would be willing to talk about it. For the next four weeks my life will be fairly quiet until I return to school and begin taking 2 or three classes at night (I have yet to decide how insane I want to make my life.) Anyway, I look forward to getting to know you.

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Date:2008-07-05 19:26
Subject:An update.

Hi everyone...

I posted a while back on whether or not to go for the gorgeous first year in my department (http://community.livejournal.com/loveandacademia/80953.html), and as there were many kind people here who offered both sound advice and kind words of support I bring you an update.

I cracked finally and spilled my guts in an e-mail. Not the best medium in which to talk about this sort of thing, but I was on a backpacking trip in Asia and it was the best I could do. She took three days to respond but when she finally did she told me that she felt the exact same way but was scared to say anything for fear it was just her.


So come this fall I'll join ranks with a number of you in being half of an academic couple!! Thank you all so much for your responses last time. It was extremely encouraging. :) Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Date:2008-06-28 20:27
Subject:Stuck in the friend zone?

So, my dilemma is that I go to a college where the concept of  "dating" or relationships even, for that matter is totally foreign. I don't know why, it's just the way it is. Currently, I may or may not be seeing this guy who I've known since last August. We were on residence life staff together and thusly worked in close and frequent proximity. We became fast friends. Good friends. I've been interested in him since February, and I feel like we get on really well, have a nice chemistry (though not explosive) but I don't know if he knows I'm interested.

Long story short, we are both on campus this summer, employed by the college and have been hanging out a bit more than we did during the school year, and more alone than in the past. Our first "date" was dinner and a movie, followed by hanging out in a local park for awhile. We split dinner but he paid for the movie (an action I wasn't expecting). Then we were the only two people on a capture the flag team (game of only 4 people, which, trust me, is really hard!) and that was fun because we had to rely on each other and made a good team. Finally, last weekend we went thrift store shopping at this great place and then stopped off at this Asian market and wandered around for awhile. We sort of have plans for a picnic on the 4th of July, but nothing definitive. We sort of threw the idea around in passing on the way home from the thrift store. It's all been super fun, but nothing romantic per se has happened. He is a naturally flirty/silly guy to begin with, but we get on so well. He'll sometimes drop little hints about how something we're discussing or seeing is "romantic" in a flirty tone, but I don't know what to make of it.

I was talking with another male friend on Friday and he encouraged me to talk to my crush/friend. I've not had success with this tactic in the past and was hoping things would flow naturally. I guess my question is, should I? I really want to know. I don't want to waste the whole rest of the summer that we could be "more than friends" because neither of us has the courage to step up and ask the question, or make a "move." My friend seems to think our 4th of July picnic would be a good time to present this. I'm thinking I would say something like, "What are we, Josh?" in a casual but inquisitive tone at an appropriate time in our conversation. I don't know what his answer would be and I may not even give him a chance to answer before I say, "I mean, I'm just curious. We've had a great time this whole year, especially these past few weeks and I like you, but our friendship is also important to me. I want to be on the same page."

Does this sound like an awful idea? I think we are good enough friends that if it's a no from his side that we can still be good friends. Maybe our 4th of July "date" isn't the best time to do it? Should I just do something physical instead like grab his hand or kiss him? This is all new territory for me and it's a sticky situation because I truly value the friendship, but I don't think I can sit by and not know anymore.

Any and all advice would be appreciated.

16 comments | post a comment

Date:2008-06-19 09:18
Subject:Families and Careers

Ever since I started college, my goal has been to get a DMA (doctor of musical arts) and teach at a university.  I got my bachelor's, then my master's, and then it feels like everything fell apart.  I got married a year ago, and I've been deliriously happy ever since, except for one thing: I don't know what I want to do with my life.  Or, I do, but I don't know how to do it.  Running off to some far corner of the US to get a doctorate was all well and good when I was single, but it seems like a much more daunting prospect now that I have someone else's welfare and job prospects to keep in mind as well.  Furthermore, I feel like time is against me.  I'll explain:

I'm 25 now, 26 in November.  If/when I go back to graduate school, it will be the year after next, when I am almost 27.  Factor in 3 years of a DMA (best case scenario), and I'll graduate when I'm almost 30.  Then I need to take my fresh degree and go job hunting, which in music might take a couple years.  THEN, I need to work hard for a few years toward gaining tenure.  By the time I am settled enough in my career that I can consider taking time off to have a family, I'll be at least 35-36 and quickly becoming too old to have kids without risking birth defects.

Add on top of all that the fact that I know 3 highly qualified and talented DMA-holders who are having trouble getting so much as an interview, and I don't know what to do.  When I really examine my life, this is still what I want to do, but I feel like the cards are stacked against me. 

So, how does one balance all this (obligation to family and the desire to have children) with going the university route?  And if this doesn't work out, how do I change my career plans after all these years without feeling like I'm giving up or selling out?  For my own mental well-being, I desperately need to make a commitment to one path or another, but I've been trying for a year and just can't seem to do it.

Anyone else having problems like this?

(and for those who might ask, my husband is extremely sensitive to these issues and is trying to be flexible, but also has his own career to consider)

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Date:2008-06-16 14:07
Subject:Hey there!

Hey! I'm Nichole, I'm 23.
I'm from Pennsylvania.
I am a double major in English & Psychology
I'm also a computer nerd & gamer

I recently got livejournal 
& I'm interested in making some new friends!
Please add me & I will do the same!

Also, I like getting and giving comments

Soooo... let's swap comments! <3


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Date:2008-06-10 14:35

I work in publishing and was wondering if anyone would be interested in reviewing a book that is a guide for marriage- financial, wedding, child, step children, ex wives and girlfriends, and common divorce issues. If this interests you, please email me at chelseasterling@gmail.com


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Date:2008-06-10 12:04
Subject:doctoral dissertation.. online relationships


 I am a doctoral student at Widener University, and I'm doing a dissertation study on people with online relationships. Can you help?

Are you involved in an online intimate relationship with someone you’ve never met face-to-face? Have you ever been in a relationship like that? If so, and you’re 18+, I'd like to hear from you!
Please click on :

and take my research survey. It will only take a few minutes of your time. 
 Please .....Invite others you know to take it too!

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Date:2008-06-04 16:18

Hello All!

I have been watching this community for a while, but this is my first post. A bit of background: I have been dating this girl for about 3 years; during the first year, we were in the same place and then she moved away for grad school. Both of us agreed that we have a good thing going and we will try hard to keep this alive; we have been visiting each other around once a month since then and we are both happy with our relationship.

I have a seemingly silly problem that's been nagging me through the last week: I discovered (don't ask me how) that she has been going to dinner (sometimes twice a week or more), an occasional movie, a play etc. with another guy from her program. She has mentioned his name to me, but has never told me about going out to dinner etc. We never hide anything from each other, and it pains me that she hasn't bothered to mention this part of her life to me. I trust her, so I am not exactly suspicious (yet), but I still want to hear from her what's going on (it especially pains me that she has chosen to hide this). But, just confronting her about it will mean that I don't trust her and our relationship, so I really can't decide what to do. What would you do in this situation?

I checked the past posts, but I couldn't find anything similar (perhaps this kind of thing is too silly?) so I would appreciate any words of wisdom.

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Date:2008-05-11 18:23
Subject:a different kind of love...

This isn't so much about a love for a fellow academic so much as a love for a fellow academic field.

In addition to being a student of folklore and anthropology, I've been a student of Estonian language and culture for about the last three years. Part of my experience has involved getting to study abroad there for five months and the chance to present my first conference paper in June. But I have realized that my studies and fascination with the area has also led to a certain amount of personal struggle. I lost a relationship to my passion for Estonia, have never been able to find a specific niche within the country that I could pursue a doctorate in, and dealt with a emotionally painful return to American life. There has been just as much, if not more, pain as there was joy. When I got into the MA program, I also realized there was a lot of conflict between my school of thought in folklore and the European school of thought, which has made everything worse.

I am going to apply for doctoral programs in folklore and anthropology in the fall, to get into for fall 2009. I have a professor, one who has been watching my work with Baltic studies for some time, and is trying to push me to do my doctorate in Baltic studies in order to study under him. I mean, this guy won't give up, even though I left my undergraduate university to pursue an MA at a regional applied university. It sort of feels like the field of Baltic studies itself won't let go, like a clingy ex, and I want to just be done with it so I can move on to better things. I can't tell this professor that I feel like I don't belong; he is very renowned and I respect him.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is, how do you break up with an old field of study, even when people have faith in your work and are trying to heavily recruit you? What do you do? I feel like I'm not sure how to address this one.

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