How do you do it?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now, and have been good friends for a bit longer than that. We are talking very seriously about marriage right now, and are looking at getting engaged in a few months. We also want to get married in the summer between our undergrad and Grad school. The biggest conflict right now is managing to not be across the country from each other, as that is not how we want to spend the early part of our marriage.
He is applying to schools for Higher Education and Student Affairs, and I will be applying for Library Science. Clearly the schools that are on the top of my list, are not on the top of his list. We are trying to at least end up in the same state, but it's hard.

What do I do????
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To pursue or not to pursue?

 Hello all!

Like many, last year I was given the choice of going to graduate school  in the Midwest (with an assistantship and a scholarship) for my MPA, or staying on the West Coast with my fiance. I chose graduate school, and had been regretting it for quite some time, especially since he called during my exam week to tell me that he had gotten engaged again after dating another girl for two months.  
I was dating around at the time anyway, despite a heavy workload alongside my assistantship. The guys I dated (all graduate or law students) were awful. The two worst was a guy who told me that he had a girlfriend in his hometown, but wanted to have a strictly physical relationship with me (I told him to %$#@ off and never call me again) and another guy who said I made him feel 'uncomfortable', then took to stalking me. 

At any rate, I'm starting over new this term, and have faced it as the lone Single Young Girl in my program (most of the people in my program are married or engaged, and to be perfectly honest, they are extremely obnoxious about it. I'm in a part of the US where everyone is hitched by the age of 23). That being said, I met a very nice young man who is also a graduate student. That being said, I'm currently going at snail's pace with him; I've dealt with too many crazies over the past year, and I keep thinking that he's got a girlfriend (which doesn't seem likely at all) or that he secretly has a child or a record of jail time or a drug addiction or is just going to sit outside my window watching me. I'm very paranoid over the men that this town has to offer here.  

I'm scared of going forward with this guy; I'm busy as a grant writer and a full time graduate student with practicum hours, and he's busy with finishing his thesis and volunteering as a coach. But whenever we've talked on the phone it's been for an hour, we text all the time, and we had a great couple of dates (he had to cancel tonight because he wanted to work on his thesis, which is why I'm writing now). I do like this guy terribly, but I've been so badly hurt and rejected over the last year. I feel like most guys in the various graduate departments are out to hurt me or use me, and I'm envious that most of the girls in my program always seem to find guys to completely smother them in love and affection. Should I take a chance with this guy? 

**UPDATE; 7: 23 PM CST** 

He sent me a long message today, and said he doesn't have the time to pursue a relationship, and that he's sorry if he confused me, and that he likes my friendship but he needs to focus on his thesis and coaching right now if he wants to graduate. Which I guess means he flat out doesn't like me. And the guy who stalked me ran into me today to gush about his new, LDR girlfriend. 

Back to square one for me : * (. Maybe it's because I'm tall and have short hair? I don't know. But I have horrible luck with guys this year. I seem to be a piece of A and nothing else. 
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Bring your Boyfrienf Abroad/Visas/Egads!

Hello! I'm currently and anthropology and art history major working on getting my grad school applications and such together. Let me just state that my interests are medieval and nordic studies. This leaves me extremely limited in options to study in the US. However, I believe I have found my academic love in Scotland for graduate school!

My dilemma? Immigration and work laws. My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and have no interest in being far apart for long periods of time. If I was to get a TM in the UK in a year, that is fine, but we don't want to be apart for 5-8 years while I work on my MA and PhD. He is being a doll and is willing to go where ever I go, no matter what. However, I am not willing to take him somewhere where it will be impossible to get him a job.

We both are the same age and will be graduating at the same time. He'll be entering the job market (Computer Forensics) and I will continue on for more schooling. However, getting a job in the UK without prior experience as a foreigner, from what I have read, is near impossible. I am also aware that the laws have changed in the past 6 months so that it is even more difficult! I am trying to get proper information from the embassy in the states, but I would like some advice from you fine people in the mean time. :)

Does anyone have any experience with bring your significant other with you abroad and finding them a job right out of college? I have read it might be easier if we were married, but we wanted to hold that off until I get my MA and we've saved up some more money (we both have huge families, no small wedding for us...ugh). What advice would you give on this matter? I am willing to stay in the states, I'd just rather go where the best program for my interests are.

Thanks a million!

grad school vs. starting a relationship

Hi guys,
I've been reading this blog for a while and now I decided to ask you for advice. Sorry for my bad English  - I am an international student :)
I've been a Masters' student in North America for quite a while, have never dated and till recently felt perfectly well on my own. Now I am accepted to a Ph.D. program, but in the same time  realize that it is time to search for a significant other. However, when I look at female profs in my dep't, who are mostly single, or my fellow students, all of whom started dating their loved ones before entering grad school, I grow frustrated. Now I ask myself: is it at all possible to start and develop a serious relationship while pursiung graduate degree? What was your experience and how did you manage to balance it with the grad school stress?
Thanks a lot in advance!
X-posted to grad school

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Sudden Long-Distance Move/ Two-Body problem

I am throwing myself upon the altar of community wisdom! I hope someone can help.

After having lived together for a year, bought a house, all those good (and responsibility-heavy) things. my SO and I are going to be moving apart. Not because we're breaking up or anything, but because he got a great job offer in another city with only a month's notice. I will be here in my city (about 300 miles away) for at least another year, given job search constraints, and the need to prepare the house for sale, etc.

There's so much to do in the next month that I don't even know where to start, and I'm sure I've only thought of half of it.

Does anyone have any tips, words of wisdom, or cheap jokes to share with me from their own experiences with this? Other than "Remember to actually SIGN the letter of offer and return it; Pack some clothes; Kiss partner goodbye"...

Newlywed student

Hi everyone. I'm new to the community. Little background...I'm currently an undergrad studying biology and anthropology. I want to continue on to graduate school to study the origins and evolution of New World primates (paleoanthropology).

The reason for my post is that I wanted to know if anyone else here is married and going to graduate school (or applying). If so, how has it affected your decisions about what schools to apply to, what to study, etc.? I'm going through a mental struggle lately because I recently got married (just over a year ago). My husband finished his undergrad just before we got married and started a local business. I found a school 10 hours away where there is a professor doing research in exactly the area I'm interested in, and the school has a really good reputation. I just don't know how it would work logistically. I feel like I might be acting selfishly to be such an inconvenience to my husband and his work (which pays for my schooling right now). I've looked at schools closer to home, but none are doing the kind of research I'm interested in.

So, I'm just looking for some different perspective/advice on the matter or to hear from someone who's had a similar experience. Thanks :)

  • kelaina

Married couples in the classroom?

I'm curious about this, because a situation came up, and I wondered about people's opinions.

If one half of a married couple is teaching a class, and the other half of the couple is IN the class, but for auditing purposes only, would you consider it appropriate?

(I ask because, while I'm an undergrad, a friend of mine had this situation come up, and while the university was okay with it, I wanted other opinions too.)


Cross-posted to a_a.

How to bring up the bad stuff

Has anyone else ever had a bad relationship melt-down and found the right way to talk about it with the new person/people they are seeing?

Recently (crossing fingers against the jinx), I've started to feel pretty good about myself. I have a new lab job, I have a few fresh new chapters of my thesis in the bag, I've picked up some new hobbies...and I am starting to date again. However, as necessary as I know the dating thing is (I mean, I don't want to end up solo forever, though it hasn't hurt me this past year)...it is causing some anxiety in my life.

For some background, It's been a year since the break up with my dreaded ex. It's also been 5 months since that dreaded ex sent me an awkward 'let's be friends' email. It's also been about 3.5 months since the real intentions of that awkward 'let's be friends' email became fully revealed as the Great Scam of the Century (a synopsis)Collapse )

So, the legal agreement was signed about a month ago. I've never felt better in my entire life to have my dreaded ex thing = solved.


I'm definitely having some residual trust issues with guys I meet that just happen to be scientists (which was his field). Having happen to be a scientist myself, I am aware that most science grad students/workers tend to be a little on the socially inept. But these days, I see one ineptitude and am pretty much seeing my ex all over again which pretty much kills it for me. I'm worried that I'm treating perfectly reasonable people with too much mistrust.

I've thought about counseling, but I just started my lab job, and my health benefits aren't exactly top notch till my trial 6-months is up. What I think would really help is if I talked about this past relationship disastor with the guys I'm seeing. However, I have no clue how to do this. Typically, I'm just too lighthearted to go into the dark stuff (which is what I noticed that people like about me).

I know everyone has skeletons-in-the-closet...but how does one find the right way/time to talk about it?